4. Smile and Pretend

I have this recurring dream where I am back in college and I haven’t achieved much. No Columbia University, no United Nations, no Tarim, no family, no Sanad. I wake up doubting everything. 

In a thought-provoking TED talk, Lesley Hazelton argues that doubt is essential to faith. She shares the story of the Prophet Muhammad’s first revelation and the awe, emotion, and doubt he experienced in the first moments — peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. He could only tremble and asked to be covered by his beloved wife Khadija — Allah be pleased with her.

Life and the work of Sanad has been filled with moments of certain doubt living beside certain faith. I have come to terms with this only after many years of being bruised by the tumble and toss that occurs between the two. 

What we can never be is in despair. That is doubt unhinged from certainty altogether. Every time I was close to that (and there were times) Allah caught me…showed me…His jalal and ikram…His proximity…His Majesty. 

There was a time in our third year when I was on stage at our annual gala and no one knew we had no place to go, no lease in place, no idea of what our next move would be. We simply knew in our hearts that the work has always been for Allah and our children. And Allah always will remain, so we too must remain committed as well. 

As I stood on stage filled with doubt, all I could do was smile and pretend that I was okay…that we were okay. Then I sat, in a quiet moment, backstage with my wife and the scholars who had accepted our invitation. And they did what good companions do, they covered the doubts.

Now, 13 years later, we are days away from another benefit gala. And, yes, there is still doubt.  Will anyone show up? Will people be generous? Will we raise what we need for the Foundation and the children? Will my mother, my wife, and my children worry? Will I fail our staff, our students, and our families? Am I capable of carrying this if my doubts materialize? 

I remind myself though of a principle in fiqh that says: “Certainty is not lifted by a doubt.”. And also a tradition of the Prophet – peace be upon him – in which he said, “The most true words said by a poet was the words of Labid. — Verily, Everything except Allah is in vain…”. 

So, all these years later, there is more certainty than doubt. 

And, I am certain now, that after all my doubts and the upcoming gala…Allah will remain. He has always been with us and the work of Sanad. 

I’m also certain that it’s okay for my doubt and certainty to live in the same heart. On Feb. 10, have no doubts about the impact of your generosity.

– Rehan

Rehan Mirza is an organizational psychologist, educator, and father. He completed his graduate studies at Teacher’s College, Columbia University in New York City, then spent formative time in the company of the students and scholars of Dar al Mustafa in Tarim. He has worked with the UNHCR in Geneva and taught social sciences as an adjunct professor in Miami. He writes, speaks, and consults on parenting, education, and institution-building. Rehan is the Founding Executive Director of Sanad Trust Foundation, a nonprofit that provides education, wellness, and community programs for children, families, and elders.

My father passed away on January 11, 2003 (8th Dhul Qa’dah 1423). 

In the 10 years that followed, there was a lot that happened personally and professionally, but I realize more and more there were also things that happened in light and those that happened deep in the shadows.  

Profound loss, particularly one that is so connected to your confidence and the love that lives in your life-space is like a load-bearing wall that suddenly gives way. Rebuilding that support can happen with resources you have within yourself, those that surround you close in proximity, and by means of those resources that may come to you from a distance. And, it’s never quick if we are honest. 

When I started the work of Sanad in 2010 it was in some ways the summation of the resources and the rebuild materials I had aligned around me after my father’s passing. It was a roadmap to clarity and being whole again. And this time not just for myself, but so I could strengthen and support others, from the inside and out.  

However, for many years after starting the work, it felt like there were still fault lines under my feet. I kind of had a sense of where they were and was actively seeking answers to why they were there, but not until I also asked the question of ‘who they were’ did I find progress.  

Sometimes there are individuals who come forward to keep the cracks open, to keep the vulnerabilities and insecurities in place. It’s confusing. They make you doubtful of your sincerity, insecure in your ability, and question your aspirations. A few of these individuals were people I knew, people who were close.  

So…I moved Sanad’s foundation (and at times my own) a little to the left and a little to the right until I found stability. Then I tried to build in such a way as to mitigate against their winds whenever they returned — in South Florida we know about hurricane-proof windows. Then, most amazing of all, I found people who stepped forward into the light and in front of those who were in my shadows. And today, I build with them. I climb with them.  

Early on I asked Habib Umar bin Hafiz about these matters and moments. He said, “Have the actions on your limbs be the proof against the lies on their tongues.” 

And that’s what I chose to do. Alhamdulillah. 

– Rehan

Rehan Mirza is an organizational psychologist, educator, and father. He completed his graduate studies at Teacher’s College, Columbia University in New York City, then spent formative time in the company of the students and scholars of Dar al Mustafa in Tarim. He has worked with the UNHCR in Geneva and taught social sciences as an adjunct professor in Miami. He writes, speaks, and consults on parenting, education, and institution-building. Rehan is the Founding Executive Director of Sanad Trust Foundation, a nonprofit that provides education, wellness, and community programs for children, families, and elders.

On Feb. 10 come see what we built so far and what we can build together moving forward.